Want to know the REAL secret to sustainable health-promoting habits? Read this.
I’ll save you time. The real secret to making sure you stick to your goals and habits long term, is what I think is currently one of the biggest blind spots in the industry: self-compassion.
Yes, big claim. Before your start booing at how it isn’t as quick, easy or sexy like diet culture solutions (which are also complete lies, by the way), hear me out. I’ll keep it as concise as possible.
What is it?
In short: self-compassion is the antidote to shame. You know the one: that voice in your head that tells you that you’re a failure after having eaten a cookie or broken your diet? Or the voice that tells you that you’re lazy and you’ll never be able to run a 5K if you can’t even get your butt off the couch right now? Applying self-compassion when that rude and bullying voice pops up will help us move forward, in order to act in line with our values, instead of getting stuck in a web of shame, unable to get out even if we tried.
How do I start applying it?
It’s often easier said than done, but the 3 core components of self-compassion are: self-kindness, recognition of common humanity, and mindfulness.
Self-kindness: Try changing your critical self-talk. Realize when you are being overly critical of yourself, try to soften that harsh voice and reframe them. Try to talk to yourself the same way you would to your favorite person in the world. We cannot stop intrusive of judgemental thoughts, but we don't need to believe them either.
Recognition of common humanity: Acknowledge that suffering is simply part of the human experience, and you are definitely not alone in your suffering. Shift your mindset from isolation to togetherness. To free yourself from the shame of "failure", try connecting to others who can relate.
Mindfulness: Start by admitting that you're having a hard time, and that you are suffering. "We can't heal what we can't feel.”
Try not to jump immediately into problem-solving mode. We need to admit that our pain and disappointment is deserving of a kind response. If we try to avoid the hard feelings, they will accumulate.
WON'T SELF-COMPASSION MAKE ME SOFT, WEAK AND LAZY?
Short answer, no. If you've been around here for a while, you know self-compassion is one of my core values as a professional. The biggest concern people express when I do bring it up, is that it might make them go "too soft" on themselves and will stop them from achieving their goals.
THIS COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!
Here's what *is* true and proven about self-compassion:
✨ People with more self-compassion are aware of their weaknesses just as much as anyone else, but as opposed to those who don't practice it, don't feel anxious or threatened when talking about them.
✨ People with more self-compassion are less likely to develop false over-confidence in an effort to deny the possibility of failure.
✨ Self-compassion means failure isn't a crippling experience, because we are able to forgive ourselves and move forward, which in itself allows us to take more risks, and therefore be more creative. Yay, resilience!
✨ Self-compassionate people aim just as high as self-critical people do, but self-compassionate people don't fall apart when they don't meet their goals.
✨ Self-compassion is positively associated with the practice of health-promoting behaviours (even strengthening our immune system).
✨ People with self-compassion compare themselves less to others (even if you believe yourself to be the winner while comparing yourself to others, you get hooked on external validation to prove your worth, which is a never ending cycle of never-good-enough-ism).
✨ Practicing self-compassion has a negative correlation with binge eating behaviours.
Final words
Cultivating self-compassion will make it easier to get through the hard times, for when things get rough. Changing lifestyle habits can seem like an easy thing to do, but all change poses its own challenges. Instead of seeing ourselves as a problem to be fixed, self-kindness helps us feel valuable, and worthy of care. You’ll also be more likely to accept support and care for others, creating healthy social bonds (which is part of Maslow’s pyramid of basic human needs, by the way).
Though there is nothing wrong with asking for help, we don't always need to find acceptance, nurture or care from external ressources. If we can provide these to ourselves, we build self-trust, confidence, safety and security within ourselves.
Practicing self-compassion takes practice, since it isn't the most socially encouraged response to suffering. Be patient with yourself.
Hope this helped!
Maria Tanielian, RD/Dt.P
Registered Dietitian/Nutritionniste
ODNQ # 7223, CDBC # 2815, SDA # 949
Resources
Here are just a few studies worth reading with an open mind:
PMID: 25243717, 23557826, 26311196, 34560404
Books:
"Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind To Yourself" by Kristin Neff
"Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Dr Brené Brown, PhD
“Emotional Agility” by Dr Susan David, PhD
